Talk to the Universe

My mother loved me, and she listened to me. But not always understood me. She thought that I talked too much and that I was boring. She told me so. Many times along my childhoold. She also thought that everyone except her found me annoying. So I was supposed to only talk to her. She was the only one that had enough patience to endure my annoying thoughts. Because she was my mother and it was her duty and her fate. 

My father didn't love me. Or like me. He actually kind of hated me. And he always found what I had to say annoying. Enough to beat the shit out of me. Just to see if I could keep my mouth shut and avoid thinking by myself and annoy him.

I know that most people find me annoying. I talk too much. I am passionate about what I talk, and I seem to be obsessed with things. If I like something, I want to know more, I need to know more because I am curious and I start. I investigate. I read. I find out about things. I try to understand. And I don't leave it until I understand it. Then I have the need to talk about it with other people. Share. Help others understand what I just figured out. That is not good. Most people are not interested at all on what I have to say, or on what I have discovered. They are just polite and listen. But at some point they are profoundly bored and they start to yawn. And perhaps they feel they are wasting their time listening to me.
So I decided to write about what I find. Writing is safe. If I write, only people that are actually interested in the things I am interested will read the things I write. And I won't be humiliated by someone yawning at me and being bored because I am talking too much about something they have no interest at all. I will also avoid the terrible sense of shame that gets me when something like that happens. I feel ashamed. I feel that I have gone too far, I talk too much and nobody is interested. I feel that I haven't been compassionate with others, and that I have been annoying them. And that is to be cruel. I don't want to be cruel. I don't want to annoy others. I want to say what I need to say, and I hope someone finds it useful, helpful or just interesting. That's all. 

The Date

So. Let's talk about yesterday. I met the guy IRL, finally. We went to the food event at the park. I was interested in the event. I like cooking and I like food. I was glad that there was a veggie option at the event, and of course I wanted to try it.
The guy started talking about him being a vipassana buddhist and the inventor of "the" true vipassana technique. Apparently, Buddha's discourses and sutras are all false. I told him that I was a vipassana meditator and that I practiced the technique according to S.N.Goenka's teachings and the Satipattana Sutra. I might have sounded a little beligerant. Or maybe too comfortable with my vipassana practice. So he started to try to convince me of his ideas. He even told me that he was kind of enlightened, because he had seen an apparition of Mary The Virgin. He took a photo with his cell to prove it. It was like a weird and very bright light reflex near a statue of the virgin, in a church. For me it was like a light reflex with a weird form, explanable mostly by physics. But I said nothing about it. I didn't want to expend the next hour listening to him trying to convince me that he was right and I was wrong mostly because it's so boring to do so.
I just wanted to go to the food event, enjoy the view of the park, have a delicious veggie meal, and drive back home. My main interest was the present moment. That present moment. Maybe the fact that I work from home and I don't go that often to the park makes me enjoy the trees and the view more than your usual citizen. I don't know.
There was a food truck contest, because the center of the event was a kind of sandwich they make here and sell from food trucks called choripan. This year one of the food trucks had a veggie one, there were a number of gourmet ones, even one for celiacs, and many regular ones with different touchs and flavors. Each food truck had to choose a local charity and they were collecting things for kids, mostly for school kids. I think that idea was awesome. There was also a podium with local music bands and stand up comedians. And lots of people: men, women, kids, grannies, grandpas. Everyone was there. My date couldn't be less interested in the event. I think that his only interest was to talk about himself. I have to admit that he was pretty impressive. He wrote a book about the vipassana technique. He also won a prize with a play a couple of years ago. And he just wrote a new book regarding Jesus. Or something like that. The book is being published soon by a spanish editorial, he told me.
When we sat to eat the veggie choripan, he said that even though I am not fat, I eat like a fat woman, because I was enjoying the meal and told him that it was delicious. So, again, perhaps I shouldn't have said anything. But when I eat, I enjoy every bite. I can't help it. I like to cook, I like to eat. What's the problem with that?
He continued talking and I continued listening to him. I got distracted with some policemen on horses passing by. The horses were beautiful, and they seemed so proud. I also got distracted with my twitter friends who were actually at the event to write about it and to be the jury of the contest and they were waving at me.
Then we walked a little to leave the crowd, and he was talking about his ex girlfriends and all the women he had impressed in his life. He said that women thought he was handsome and asked if I thought he was handsome. I answered "Not particulary, no" and automatically regreted it. I think I should have remained silent and just smile, but I couldn't help myself. Shame on me.
He changed the subject and started talking about the trees that surrounded us. I told him that I love trees. I like them very much. And he started talking about reencarnation. I told him that I didn't believe in reencarnation. I know that our atoms will exist for ever and be part of everything again when we eventually disintegrate but that's the extent of what I have to say about the afterlife and reencarnation.
At that time we were walking back to the car. I offered to give him a lift downtown. He didn't enjoy my driving style I guess. I can tell he suffered every time we stopped at a red light and every time I let somebody cross the street instead of rolling over them with the car. He even offered to drive because he was getting so anxious. I politely refused to let him drive my car. And then we got downtown and off he went to his house. I don't think I'll see him again.

The Secret Prince Charming

All men are bastards and pricks. Except most of my male friends, of course. Friends, not boyfriends. My father and all my ex-boyfriends are bastards and pricks, for sure. All my uncles, my favorite uncle included, are bastards and pricks too. The more a bastard and a prick you are, the more I will like you, even I will fall for you, heavily. It's a vipassana romance problem I have. I start imagining either how you are going to change when we are a couple, just because of my wonderful and soothing love or how you are going to be able to be your non-bastard not-a-prick true self just with me because you are so in love, and a real prince charming inside. A secret prince charming.
Well, it seems that I was born with a particular design in my very personal stars. The not loved, not worshiped one. Father wanted a boy. So, first disappointment: I am a girl and proud of it. After that very big disappointment, which he reminded me of during my infancy and adolescence, the other disappointment was that I didn't want to marry or have children one day. I just like men, basically to have good sex, have fun, and nothing else. Or that was what I told myself. Perhaps I wanted to be loved as well. To be chosen. To be worshiped. I actually spent 7 years of my life with a painter. A true artist. He chose me as his model, we had fun, we traveled. He had an ex-wife and he kind of repeated his past mistakes with me, even though I was nothing like his ex-wife. At the end of that relation I met who I call "the love of my life". He was blonde, blue eyed, tall, with incredibly white skin and a jew last name. He was also a computer genius, adorably shy and a wanker. The wanker characteristic prevailed, of course. So we made plans, I found myself planning to actually marry him and thinking about children's names. My own children's names. It was like I wasn't myself any more. I was what I thought he wanted me to be. Which at the end of the day wasn't enough. Because I was never going to be enough for him. Just like I was never going to be enough for my adored father. Go figures. So he left me, moved on and married someone that apparently was enough for him. Now they have two beautiful children, named not after the names we thought for our future non existent children but differently. What a relief.
He was tall, very tall. I am not tall. So when we were standing and he leaned to kiss me, I had to put my chin up to reach his lips. It seems that the light headed sensation I felt when that happened had nothing to do with his kisses or our chemistry. It had to do with my spine. My cervical spine. I never felt that with other men because he was way taller than all the others. No one was like 15 centimeters taller than me. He was. So there you have the truth about being dizzy when your very tall boyfriend kisses you in a standing position. Get your spine checked by a physician and perhaps you will find something that is actually good for you. And perhaps you won't feel dizzy again. Not that a tall boyfriend is not good for you per se. It is indeed very good. That's why I continued with the tall ones. I had a number of tall ones after that one, but unfortunately none of them were him. So at some point I did realize that and had to move on and keep researching. Last year a friend told me about the Vipassana Romance concept. It is a step forward of infatuation. Diana Gabaldon's description of infatuation in her book "Outlander" is perfect. You should read it. Not just the description, but all the whole book. And watch the TV series as well. Going back to the subject, Vipassana Romance is what happens in our heads when we met someone and we feel this "infatuation". We idealize. We imagine everything, up to the utmost detail. And we don't see the real other. We don't see his motives, his signals, what he is telling us not only with his words, but with his actions. We don't see him at all. We just see our fantasies. Our prejudices. How to observe a man we really like and show him who we truly are at the same time? I have no idea. Perhaps we should start asking what we want to be or do and not what we want him to be or do. Perhaps the important thing is not what he wants of us but what we want of ourselves. Sweet dreams are made of this, they say.
This afternoon I'm meeting a guy for a coffee and then we go to a food event. I already don't like him, because I suspect he had a romance with a lady I know, he contacted one of my friends via facebook after I told him that he would wait a week to have coffee with me, and I'm sure he would ask her for a date if she was living in this city, which she doesn't. By the way she is one of my best friends. She has been for years. So... she told me the second this guy contacted her. And last, but not least, he contacted me again via Whatsapp ages after he stopped the contact just to ask me if I was still a vegetarian because I posted something in my facebook wall that was about an event where the main dish contains meat. But it happens that this year the event has the same dish in a gourmet form and in a vegetarian form also. So. That says so much about him. I'm sure I don't want to be with someone like that. But as I am writing a romance story and right now my main male character is a bastard and a prick called Dan (based in some guy I met online), I need to continue my research.
Quoting Carrie Bradshaw in one of the first chapters of Sex and The City: "The things you have to do in the name of research".

One Thing

I can't be just one thing. Every time I have to write a description of myself for a profile, I struggle a little remembering people telling me "But how can you be this and that at the same time?"
Well, I was convinced that there wasn't an easy answer for that. Until now. Today I discovered that in fact there is an easy answer: "I can't help it".
I am a vegetarian that doesn't hate people that have other diet choices. Including strict vegans and true carnivores. I live in a country where people eat cow meat in a regular basis and the rest of the world consider our cows as the best meat in the world. My family has a very strong "asado" tradition. They cook a whole cow on a stake on fire made from a pile of wood. Well, I'm not trying to convince them to change it. I just don't eat what I don't feel I like. Meat is one of these things. I love cooking and one of my idols is Anthony Bourdain. Even if he hates vegetarians. I think I understand him. He doesn't hate vegetarians per se. He hates the fact that most of them doesn't care about good cooking and great taste. I would hate that too because one of the things that make me incredibly happy is to be able to cook and eat good tasty food whenever I want.
I am a buddhist. I practice meditation twice a day, for two hours. I don't pretend that everybody in the world meditates and practices vipassana meditation. Or zen. Everyone has their path. This is mine and I enjoy every step or it.
I love nature and I love machines. Computers among all. The Internet. Cellphones. Mechanisms. All the great things we can enjoy in our 21st. century. I love the 21st. century. I also love museums. Great artists like Caravaggio or Klimt, for example. I'm not ashamed to say that I felt true emotion when I saw Klimt's "The Kiss" IRL. Yes, I cried In Real Life. Real tears. Of real emotion and gratitude to be able to see the actual painting. I had a similar emotion when I had my first ultrabook, an ASUS Vivobook. So beautiful. I feel so grateful to be able to work every day using such a beautiful object. I have to admit that I didn't cry. No tears over my beautiful ASUS Vivobook.
I'm happy. I can't help it. If someone doesn't understand that I love and enjoy "Pride and Prejudice" as much as "Hannibal" or "Grimm" or "The Hunger Games", so be it. I can't really help it.
Thanks for reading.
Be Happy!

Procrastination

Every day we procrastinate because we are not "in the mood" to do something right now, right this moment. We try not to add dates or hours to things. We try to forget about deadlines, auto-imposed deadlines over all. That is the way of the procrastinator.
And all of a sudden it's been seven months. What in earth have I been doing the last seven months? Why didn't I write more?
I was just waiting for "inspiration", the "right moment". I wanted to learn more about things. Have something more interesting to say about things. Learn how to get better photographs. Perhaps buy a new semi-profesional camera to replace my old Sony Cybershot now that I can take better photos with my Moto X.
I know it's not the Sony Cybershot. I know it's me. I have a million pictures in my mind, but I am not that resourceful to bring them to reality.
Words are my thing. Words have always been my thing. Not pictures, not drawing. I profoundly admire photographers and visual artists. I love their work. I enjoy their work so much. But my work is made of words. Perhaps some numbers, but mostly words.
My life is made of words.
And silence, of course.

Ready, Steady, Go!

This is a start. This is a first step. There are millions taking a first step this second, this minute. But this is still my first step, my fresh start. Mine. Unique.
What helped me first with the idea of this blog was 750words.com
I loved the idea of writing 750 words a day and I thought it was going to be easy, but it's not. So the challenge now is 750 words of good writing, good content, for each one of my projects, every day.
I have been doing the research and I have accumulated material so I just need to sort it out, right?
Other site that helped me was Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project. I started following it before the book was released. The idea of test-driving the studies and theories about how to be happier and writing about it is awesome.
There are many books, movies, stories, practices and people that inspire me daily. Perhaps I'll write about them here, perhaps I wont.
Right now I just wanted to start, write a little, being here, present, just writing some words. Let's see what happens.

Hello World!

Beautiful emptiness
Surrounds me
I take small steps
I'm making progress
In a non-specific way

Depeche Mode - My Little Universe