All men are bastards and pricks. Except most of my male friends, of course. Friends, not boyfriends. My father and all my ex-boyfriends are bastards and pricks, for sure. All my uncles, my favorite uncle included, are bastards and pricks too. The more a bastard and a prick you are, the more I will like you, even I will fall for you, heavily. It's a vipassana romance problem I have. I start imagining either how you are going to change when we are a couple, just because of my wonderful and soothing love or how you are going to be able to be your non-bastard not-a-prick true self just with me because you are so in love, and a real prince charming inside. A secret prince charming.
Well, it seems that I was born with a particular design in my very personal stars. The not loved, not worshiped one. Father wanted a boy. So, first disappointment: I am a girl and proud of it. After that very big disappointment, which he reminded me of during my infancy and adolescence, the other disappointment was that I didn't want to marry or have children one day. I just like men, basically to have good sex, have fun, and nothing else. Or that was what I told myself. Perhaps I wanted to be loved as well. To be chosen. To be worshiped. I actually spent 7 years of my life with a painter. A true artist. He chose me as his model, we had fun, we traveled. He had an ex-wife and he kind of repeated his past mistakes with me, even though I was nothing like his ex-wife. At the end of that relation I met who I call "the love of my life". He was blonde, blue eyed, tall, with incredibly white skin and a jew last name. He was also a computer genius, adorably shy and a wanker. The wanker characteristic prevailed, of course. So we made plans, I found myself planning to actually marry him and thinking about children's names. My own children's names. It was like I wasn't myself any more. I was what I thought he wanted me to be. Which at the end of the day wasn't enough. Because I was never going to be enough for him. Just like I was never going to be enough for my adored father. Go figures. So he left me, moved on and married someone that apparently was enough for him. Now they have two beautiful children, named not after the names we thought for our future non existent children but differently. What a relief.
He was tall, very tall. I am not tall. So when we were standing and he leaned to kiss me, I had to put my chin up to reach his lips. It seems that the light headed sensation I felt when that happened had nothing to do with his kisses or our chemistry. It had to do with my spine. My cervical spine. I never felt that with other men because he was way taller than all the others. No one was like 15 centimeters taller than me. He was. So there you have the truth about being dizzy when your very tall boyfriend kisses you in a standing position. Get your spine checked by a physician and perhaps you will find something that is actually good for you. And perhaps you won't feel dizzy again. Not that a tall boyfriend is not good for you per se. It is indeed very good. That's why I continued with the tall ones. I had a number of tall ones after that one, but unfortunately none of them were him. So at some point I did realize that and had to move on and keep researching. Last year a friend told me about the Vipassana Romance concept. It is a step forward of infatuation. Diana Gabaldon's description of infatuation in her book "Outlander" is perfect. You should read it. Not just the description, but all the whole book. And watch the TV series as well. Going back to the subject, Vipassana Romance is what happens in our heads when we met someone and we feel this "infatuation". We idealize. We imagine everything, up to the utmost detail. And we don't see the real other. We don't see his motives, his signals, what he is telling us not only with his words, but with his actions. We don't see him at all. We just see our fantasies. Our prejudices. How to observe a man we really like and show him who we truly are at the same time? I have no idea. Perhaps we should start asking what we want to be or do and not what we want him to be or do. Perhaps the important thing is not what he wants of us but what we want of ourselves. Sweet dreams are made of this, they say.
This afternoon I'm meeting a guy for a coffee and then we go to a food event. I already don't like him, because I suspect he had a romance with a lady I know, he contacted one of my friends via facebook after I told him that he would wait a week to have coffee with me, and I'm sure he would ask her for a date if she was living in this city, which she doesn't. By the way she is one of my best friends. She has been for years. So... she told me the second this guy contacted her. And last, but not least, he contacted me again via Whatsapp ages after he stopped the contact just to ask me if I was still a vegetarian because I posted something in my facebook wall that was about an event where the main dish contains meat. But it happens that this year the event has the same dish in a gourmet form and in a vegetarian form also. So. That says so much about him. I'm sure I don't want to be with someone like that. But as I am writing a romance story and right now my main male character is a bastard and a prick called Dan (based in some guy I met online), I need to continue my research.
Quoting Carrie Bradshaw in one of the first chapters of Sex and The City: "The things you have to do in the name of research".
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